The secret to amazing tuna fish sandwiches

Most people don’t know this, but faraway, next to the ancient Egyptian pyramids is a tiny farming village. The farming village has been around for centuries, lasting even longer than the rulers of the pyramids themselves. Ironically, although they’re a farming village, they specialize in the one thing that has nothing to do with farming: tuna fish sandwiches.

This tiny farming village has a secret recipe for tuna fish sandwiches that’s been passed down for generations, its true origins unknown. The tuna fish sandwich they make is out of the world: creamy, chunky, with bits of onion and celery served on a lightly toasted piece of rye. Their signature, a tortilla chip with its tip embedded in the midst of the tuna salad like King Arthur’s sword is world-renowned. Many people have tried to copy the recipe, replicate it, but they’ve all failed.

I’ve spent the last 30 years trying to seek clues on how to make this legendary sandwich. I’ve tried using all the different kinds of tuna from Starkist to Wild Planet, soaked in oil, soaked in water, soaked in tomato sauce, and even tuna fish soaked in curry. I’ve visited Egypt and their pyramids, I’ve sailed to Japan to look at drawings of their prized bluefin tunas, I’ve biked across France to seek apprenticeship under the country’s greatest rye bread baker and I’ve hiked in the Himalayas in search of the holy celery all to recreate the legendary tuna fish sandwich of all time.

And I’ve finally discovered it.

It was by accident, really. I had opened a can of tuna when suddenly an alligator barged in through a backdoor I had left open. I freaked out, and in my haste to escape from the building, I left the tuna fish can on top of the refrigerator. It wasn’t until weeks later when I realized I had left the tuna fish on top of the fridge.

The tuna was covered with dust but right when I was about to throw it away, I had thought about how the ancient Egyptians had eaten their food. They had no refrigerators or cans back then, so their food must’ve been dusty. So I made tuna fish sandwich anyways and it turned out amazing.

I’ve recreated the recipe many times successfully since then. I don’t leave the tuna out in the open for weeks, but rather just blot my tuna dry with paper towels and it seems to work just fine.

You see, the key is to properly dry out the tuna as much as possible when it’s out of the can, otherwise the mayo won’t mix well with the tuna because there’s an excess of oil or water. It all makes sense now, because we all know the desert is hot — the heat is what dries out the tuna fish that the village uses to make their ultimate tuna fish sandwiches.

Take one or two cans of tuna, drain liquid and blot dry with paper towels and mix in mayo, onions, celery or whatever you like. Everything’s optional really, although adding in some salad dressing (different from mayo) is nice if you have it. Salt and pepper to taste.

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